Candid
So, clearly I've taken a small hiatus from posting. Mostly, this is because our camera is interior at our village home, and we are not. Yet.
Sometimes, I don't know what to post on here. Thank God for photos, is all i have to say. But at this moment, i feel like maybe i should allow myself to be candid. One of the biggest reasons i've not posted lately, is because i don't exactly have anything nice to say.
I'm tired. Exquisitely so. And not just physically. I'm worn out emotionally by all the plans that are made just to be unravelled before our eyes by unseen forces, by the cultural differences that normally don't get under my skin but are now setting my short wick ON FIRE!! Saddened and further exhausted by the stress of raising one very strong willed child, and one very busy baby - in the context of some very critical and unforgiving people. Sometimes, i just want to go home.
**GASP!**
I just said it. I am the worst missionary - ever.
Sometimes i have to come to the brutal remembrance that it's not actually WE that can accomplish any of this work, but Christ in us. And His timing is not ours. Often He moves at a confoundingly slower pace than i would choose - because He knows better. Obviously. And He made these people on this island. Then He sent us here to live with and love them. He gave these crazy nerds to us as children, and...so help me...
I'm tired.
I KNOW all the right answers, and the things i should be thinking and feeling - but some days - some weeks - it just doesn't come so easy, ya know?
There it is. Confessions from the worst missionary ever. Judge if you must.
Sometimes, I don't know what to post on here. Thank God for photos, is all i have to say. But at this moment, i feel like maybe i should allow myself to be candid. One of the biggest reasons i've not posted lately, is because i don't exactly have anything nice to say.
I'm tired. Exquisitely so. And not just physically. I'm worn out emotionally by all the plans that are made just to be unravelled before our eyes by unseen forces, by the cultural differences that normally don't get under my skin but are now setting my short wick ON FIRE!! Saddened and further exhausted by the stress of raising one very strong willed child, and one very busy baby - in the context of some very critical and unforgiving people. Sometimes, i just want to go home.
**GASP!**
I just said it. I am the worst missionary - ever.
Sometimes i have to come to the brutal remembrance that it's not actually WE that can accomplish any of this work, but Christ in us. And His timing is not ours. Often He moves at a confoundingly slower pace than i would choose - because He knows better. Obviously. And He made these people on this island. Then He sent us here to live with and love them. He gave these crazy nerds to us as children, and...so help me...
I'm tired.
I KNOW all the right answers, and the things i should be thinking and feeling - but some days - some weeks - it just doesn't come so easy, ya know?
There it is. Confessions from the worst missionary ever. Judge if you must.
posted by phil and shell at 8:14 PM
7 Comments:
Your are so not the worst ever! You are normal! And all moms reach a time that they feel like this about life. The times might come too close together some days, but God is real and so is the strength He sends. Prayers for rest and blessings you can feel.
Your are so not the worst ever! You are normal! And all moms reach a time that they feel like this about life. The times might come too close together some days, but God is real and so is the strength He sends. Prayers for rest and blessings you can feel.
Above from Lidia's mom using her account by mistake - twice! Kaycee
Hi Shelly,
Just remembering the fun time we had in Salatiga while visiting Borobudur.
I think you are quite normal (what is normal, anyway??) God knows you are made of dust and in need of some encouragement.
I pray that He grants you strength, energy, and wisdom as you grow strong in Him during these testing times. You have been through much these past months.
I pray that as you continue to run the race that you will focus your eyes on Jesus and what He wishes to accomplish in, through, and around you.
Keep on - you're doing well!
Habakkuk 2:1-4
We love you guys,
Steve & Karen
Tired. yes, you would be. As I think about the silliness that we are going through here in Iowa, where we are in the midst of our own ridiculousness, even though it is on a different level than you all are facing, I come to the same conclusion as you...God has us here. He has placed us where we are and is chiseling us into what He wants us to be using day to day grind. Clearly some days it feels like more than a chisel being used and those are the days I'm holding the flood gates back wondering if I can handle one more surprise...but God is faithful, isn't He? We may pity ourselves, but He doesn't allow us to sit in that pity for long before we get to see a bit of the bigger picture that draws us out...ok, well, clearly you know what I'm going through...glad you're being honest about where you sit sometimes, too. I love that!
I was just catching up on your blog, and I came to this. I hope you're feeling less worn out by now! I myself have reached the point where I also just want to leave, for the first time ever. I'm really kind of shocked at myself. Thank you for being honest and letting me see that I'm not alone. :-)
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